We are two musicians fused together in New York. We come both from different backgrounds with different ideas about song, and we are settled on trying hard to make some beauty in our particular chaos.
I’ve come to see our picture as our self painted Pollock version of life… the chaos of a life filled with plenty of love, but plenty of anxiety as well.
We dream that we, committed to a truly responsible life, can still live our lives FREE. Free to pursue what we know we were meant to do..sing our lovely songs for the world and make our mortgage payment doing so.
How can we expect to make living making music?
Why would I even ask that?
Because…this is us now.
We have 3 wonderful, inspiring, beautiful youngsters- 2 of whom are not pictured here, but are sitting on the lawn at our feet. We have 1 home with an endless list of projects and problems, we have 2 jobs (weekends, late nights), 1 dog, 1 cat , 1 record, a calendar spotted with gigs in random and eclectic places, and a colorful history of travel, arguments, temper tantrums,antics, and so much more stress and love than could ever be put into words.
We’ve come bungling into shows, hissing orders at the kids and each other in between sets, and relying on sweet ice cream and grandparents to get through the show.
And when the kids aren’t there…we have ourselves to discipline- because we are worn out through and through.
But what’s even more amazing is that we have this belief that we can do this, and do this better than we’ve been doing so far.
It’s not easy to make your way in art and music at any point in your life. Without either dumb luck, mind blowing talent, or tenacity, your just doing something on the weekends.
At least for us, we want to raise our children, not have them bumping along in the back of the wagon like a bunch of child roadies (as if they would, I can’t even get my 10 year old daughter to pick up her dirty clothes let alone an amp).
We’ve been trying to balance the ambition with reality, but it’s getting rough- we are starting to settle in and it’s making us feel trapped. We’ve crumpled in exhaustion on the couch after working and getting everyone/everything on track, and just couldn’t get down on a song. A movie maybe…some Chinese food…definitely, but picking out harmonies just feels so much harder now. My ear so much more attuned to the sound a snore makes when your head hangs straight back.
It struck us that we were giving up. We were bearing down on a life of past hopes, and the current ones just aren’t…us.
Thinking about perhaps opening a new business in the construction trade, or landing that real estate license…and the record scratches and we startle to think…wait…what did I just say I wanted to do? I don’t want that at all. Not that those are bad things to be, just not me. Not we.
Am I actually having a fantasy right now of us on a cruise when we are retired?
There is reality to face of course, mouths to feed, bills to pay.
So, we can’t just strike out, quit our jobs, sell our homes and take the kids to the glittering and dirty streets of rock and roll. Well, I guess we COULD, but we won’t. Besides, we do more folk now anyway.
And please don’t get me wrong, having kids and responsibilities ISN’T why we AREN’T full time musicians . Having kids and a life together is everything that makes life worth living. There are so many different factors that go into doing what you love and most of them have to do with that leap into risk. Measured and calculated, but bold and brave…risk. And commitment, and faith, and many more things I can’t even imagine. But it has really nothing to do with other people, it’s just a set of lackluster choices holding us back- better known as fear.
But it doesn’t mean we can’t do our thing and do it well. And we can see where doing that- if we do…will lead us. Being chaotic doesn’t mean you don’t have great things to say and do… so here’s a blog of our path and a litany of our stumbles.
Enjoy the mess…